while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
