How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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