i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
