I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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