Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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