I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
