I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The power of my boobs compel you
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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