so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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