Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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