look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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