What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
