Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
