ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
