my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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