I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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