He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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