Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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