I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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