I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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