im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
