Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
