one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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