hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
