he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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