he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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