it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
