when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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