Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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