I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
