I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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