I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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