my phone needs a breathalizer
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im holly from the hills drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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