i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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