Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
