life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
