I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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