Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
