im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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