Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
