It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
