i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
