I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
