hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
