I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My vagina just recognized that song.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
