yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The air was thick with penises
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
