we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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