i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
even my farts smell like vagina
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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