I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
