So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Where is the hickey?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
