If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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