I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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