More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have demons in me.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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