I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
