You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
