Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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