I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
